Two Roads Diverged

Life is all about choices – so which choice is coming next?

A Question

on November 25, 2012

So a week ago, out of the blue, my ex writes to me.

We exchange a couple emails, he gives his phone number (since he’d apparently gotten it changed), and in return I give mine (cause there’s NO way I’m gonna call/text him first – and I’ll admit a morbid curiosity for what he wants to talk about).

I receive a text soon after.

And out comes the WHOLE story about our summer break-up. The final explanations of why the break-up came out of the blue.

And it wasn’t for any of the reasons I thought it was going to be.

The Story
The ex liked to talk out his frustrations and worries with friends (as we all do). And he confided in one friend – we’ll call her A (important fact to remember: she was on deployement in KOREA) – about how he was worried about whether I really wanted to move to Minnesota, and how difficult it was doing a long distance relationship.

A said that no, I probably didn’t want to move, and really it would be better if we broke up. (I think you all see where this is going…)

So we break up, he’s “a mess” and a week later A declares that she wants to date my ex.

So they start dating.

But remember my fact above: she’s in KOREA, and one reason he broke up with me is because of the long distance relationship… Right.

So then they date long distance for two weeks, but she decides maybe she didn’t want to date, and they break up. He goes into super-sad-hibernation-because-he-let-an-old-friend-break-up-his-relationship mode (his words).

And that brings us to the recent texting, and the, “I was dumb, etc.” speech.

But the main reason for this post, is that I have a question for the audience. For my blogging friends.

The Question
When we broke up, one of the things the ex asked was why I didn’t “fight harder to stay together.” And with the reconnection, he reiterated this.

He stated that if I’d come to Minnesota to see him, things would be different. If I had chased him, things would be different.

To which I believe: he broke up with me.
Why should I believe that going after him would be welcome?
Aren’t the girls/guys that don’t take “we’re over” as an answer considered cray-cray? Don’t we all hate when they just won’t get it and quit?
If I chased him across the country, wouldn’t that give him the free liberty to post memes on his facebook/twitter/pinterest/every social media page depicting me like this:

Ok, I do kinda love pokemon – but don’t count that into your crazy quotient!


Or:

OR!!

They’ll start thinking you looked this way too!

But even his family wondered why I hadn’t still come out after the break up.

Of course my friends and family think that it would’ve been crazy to go.

And I still think it would have been crazy to go.

But I’m curious as to what others think. What would you have done? If you were the relationship ender – would you want them to fight harder? But why break up in the first place?

Disclaimer: There will be no getting back together will this ex; I do know that I’m better without him.

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37 responses to “A Question

  1. Bill McCurry says:

    Well, I’m not a recognized expert, but my wife and I have been married during two different centuries. Based on our “we don’t play no damn games” philosophy, the time for your ex to say he thought you should fight harder was BEFORE you broke up–not afterwards like he’s giving you a failing grade on a chemistry exam or something. He waited too long to speak up. To heck with him.

  2. El Guapo says:

    Have to agree with Bill.
    More importantly, do you want to be in a relationship with him, especially after learning this about him?
    And if you go back, does that make you responsible for being in charge of the relationship, and not both of you?

    Either way, good luck!

    • Definitely don’t want to be with him – I should probably add that as a disclaimer at the bottom! It’s one of the many things that I’ve come to realize were good reasons for us not being together any more. And that’s a good point, that it Would make me responsible rather than sharing the responsibility!

  3. MissFourEyes says:

    I’m with Bill and El Guapo.
    Plus, he broke up with you because a friend said to, who’s to say he wouldn’t do it again?
    Fighting harder to stay together is one thing, but once he’s given you a clear ‘it’s over.’ fight harder for what?

  4. becca3416 says:

    It would be different if you did something wrong to make him end things (cheating, lying, etc.). Then I would say to maybe go after him, but in your case I would have done the same thing. Seems like he is trying to dump some of the guilt on you. Don’t you just love when exes pop up out of NOWHERE?

  5. He breaks up with you because he let a woman in another country get to him, and it’s YOUR fault? He’s a jerkweasel through and through, if it was me, being objective I wouldn’t have even spoken to him, never mind giving him my number. But do what you want. That’s bullshit though that ‘you didn’t fight hard enough’ when he’s the one who gave up so easily. I would be really angry with someone if they tried to pass the buck like that. Don’t fall for it! In fact, tell him to fuck off is my two cents. How would you ever trust him not to flake on you again?

  6. The Hook says:

    I think you’re better off away from this whiny, dysfunctional man-child.

  7. NO! I would not want anyone stalking me to ‘get back together’ – and if he’s that easily swayed by “A” and then wants you to ‘try harder’ – then he obviously feels the urge to bend to anyone’s fawning over him… I say you are better off because he seems to need a lot of coddling – not that he’s a bad person, but maybe not quite mature enough at this moment to sustain a relationship as an adult. That’s high school drama, what he’s engaging in…

  8. I’m a firm believer in the fact that relationships shouldn’t be that hard. Yes, there’s compromise, but all my friends I know who are in happy relationships really don’t have to work too much at it. They are supremely happy with each other and want to be a part of each other’s lives.

    • I’ve seen the same thing – my friends who’ve been in years long relationships, and even my parents, all act as you say – happy to be together, compromising but not having to slug through to continue.

      • harperfaulkner says:

        I’m in agreement with Sarah on this one. The only work a relationship needs is work based on love and respect. A real, genuine relationship is one in which neither party can imagine life without the other. Call it corny, if you like, but that is love. By the way, all guys get in touch with their ex’s. It’s a thing we do. We need to know that even if we don’t want you, that you still want us and are still hurting over us. It’s sick, but it’s the way it is. Don’t fall for it. HF

  9. Nicole says:

    The whole thing sounds like bull#!$(. Trust your instincts – I think you made the right decision for yourself.

  10. Jill for some reason I was immediately drawn to this post!!!!! Tell him from me that he lost the moon whilst counting the stars!

  11. I think that anyone who tries to make you think something was your fault when it was clearly their doing — especially in relationships — they are not going to be a fair partner, you know? Did he like, expect you to beg? Pshhtttt!!

    p.s. Love the memes.

    p.p.s. I had my first ever bad break up this spring and it was brutal! I think that if you’re in a place where you’re really over it, you’re in a great place! Stay strong girl!

    • That’s how I felt! That expecting me to come back after he leaves is wanting me to beg for the relationship. No thank you!

      P.s. I had a lot of fun finding the memes! hha

      p.p.s. Thank you! I hope that you’re doing well too!

  12. Your ex and my ex must be the same person. He wants to absolve his guilty by making you the scapegoat in the situation. He’s saying easy to “be stupid” and break up with someone for dumb reasons, but it’s nonsensical to have your head screwed on straight and not fight for someone. Bitch please.

    Look, all of the “fighting hard” should be IN the relationship. They’re tough, especially as you go on in years, and life’s little speed bumps pop up. The truth is, he didn’t fight for you. He threw up his hands and said, “Hey, this girl said we wouldn’t work out so we probably won’t.” Again, bitch please.

  13. I agree – you would have been crazy to go!

  14. He sounds like one an idiot and two someone who wasn’t truly in love with you.
    You deserve better. and he deserves a kick in the balls.

  15. rich says:

    when i was getting divorced, i asked my brother for advice because he’d been through one already. he said, “if you’re going to dump your wife, that’s fine. but make sure it’s because you do NOT want to be with her. do NOT dump her if you think you’re going to be with someone else instead, because that “someone else” might not be there when you actually dump your wife.

    i have nothing else to say. except “pass the bread sticks.”

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